im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
