He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
