i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
