Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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