yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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