I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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