You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
