I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
