remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
