I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
