I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
