Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
