I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
