No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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