after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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