Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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