i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
