i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
