Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
