sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
