Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
