I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
