i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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