Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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