I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
