I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My vagina is officially offended.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
