Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
