I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
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You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Can I color on your dick again?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
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nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I came so hard my ears popped.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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