What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
