i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
