separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
