I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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