you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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