I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
