I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Randomize
