I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
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I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
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Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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