Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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