i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
