She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
