I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
