my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
