I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
