my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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