Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
