remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
