She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
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He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
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I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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