We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
All the doctor said was why
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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