Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
