good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
