I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
