I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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