Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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