thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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