my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I intend to get homeless drunk
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
