ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
