i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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