Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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