Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
