There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
